Humble My Heart, Oh Lord!
Sadly, the past couple of months have been a struggle for me. It has become a constant battle within my heart and I have come to the conclusion that I am horribly inadequate for this mission God has called me to do.
There are many words that others would use to describe me; organized, punctual, perfectionist, hard working, determined, straight forward...qualities often valued by employers. However, the one quality I most need for this
ministry is extremely deficient, patience!
Friday, was probably one of the most difficult days I have had. I arrived at our center at about 7:45 and was greeted with two sick children, two parents missing their duties, one child absent again because of a hung over, drugged out parent, and the discovery that a sponsored parent had once again stolen a piece of equipment from us and pawned it and all this before breakfast had even been served.
I wished I could say I handled it with grace and humility, but shamefully, I did not. My impatient, frustrated, prideful self came out and I immediately set out to right the situation. My wonderful team and husband, listened patiently as I went into action and ranted and raged. I was fed up with ungrateful people! Their children received school supplies, an education, medical care, food, clothes and shoes. Why in the world couldn't they just show up, one day a week and do the small duties they were assigned, to show their gratefulness! How could that drugged up mother not think about what she was doing to her children? Doesn't she want better for her children than what she herself has? Isn't that what a normal parent would want? Stupid me! Didn't I learn my lesson from the first time the parent had stolen from us? I get what I deserve for giving second and third chances. I'm doing all of this and they are just downright ungrateful! Why am I putting myself through this and doing all of this work when they are never going to change! Oh sure, they don't want to do anything, but where is the first place they come when they are sick or their children are sick!
Yes, all of those thoughts and words came from me. A woman claiming to be a missionary and the hands and feet of Christ. Yet, here I was, committing the first sin, pride. How does pride fit into this picture you might ask.
God has blessed me abundantly. He blesses me every minute, every second of everyday! Instead of praising God for those blessings and seeking to bless others, I walked around in pride and looked down on others and passed judgement on their thoughts and actions. Why couldn't they think and act like I do, like what a normal person would do? In my prideful state I was acting as if everything I had was mine, as if everything I had given to them was coming from me, as if Lilia's Place was my accomplishment instead of God's.
When did I come to this realization? Not until the day was over and I was driving home and listening to a podcast of one of my favorite ministers. There is a law that states, what is up, must come down and God was bringing me down from my pedestal pretty quickly. I had spent the day in complete frustration because I was dealing with people who just didn't want to improve. What I had failed to see was that we were ALL broken people brought together by God for a purpose. The fact that I am not a mother who has missed her assignment because her infant child has slept on the streets all night and has woken up with a fever, or that I am not a drug addict and can no longer think clearly or that I do not have to steal to feed my children is not because of who I am, but because of God! He is the one who, for reasons beyond my comprehension, has decided to bless me. God must have been looking at me in the same way I was looking at those He had sent me to serve.
I have spent the night and all day in prayer asking God to humble my heart. I have told God that I do not know what to do, that this thing is too big for me, how can I do your bidding when I am myself so broken and incompetent?
His answer, "Yes, my child, it is too big for you, but not for me! Where you lack, I overflow!"
Pride is a deceitful master. My fervent prayer is that I will not forget my true master and that I will stay focused on those He has sent me to serve and that I will look at them through His eyes and not my own. When I bring glory to God only then can I be a true blessing to others.
Who knows, maybe one day somebody will describe me as patient, hey quit laughing, it could happen. After all, everything is possible through God!
Posted by Lilia's Place at 8:03 AM